The Cheese Elf (kalquessa) wrote,
The Cheese Elf

Fic: Girls (and Jaffa) Do Not Fight Fair

I won't be around tomorrow, so I'm posting this a bit early for sg_fignewton's Gen Fic Day.

Title: Girls (and Jaffa) Do Not Fight Fair
Author: kalquessa
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Teamy Goodness
Word Count: 1,200-ish
Characters: Team, Jack POV
Season/Spoilers: Season 8, no specific spoilers beyond Jack's rank.
Rating: G
Warnings: Present tense. Un-beta'd. Contains silliness and gets progressively crackier as it goes along.

I tried to write an angsty ficlet that was VRY SRS KTHNX about the team being forced to fight for their lives in some bad guy's gladiatorial games. This is what I ended up writing instead.



SG-1 is overdue by nine days when they dial in from the Alpha Site to report themselves alive and ready to Gate home. Jack has the iris confirmation sent and is down in the Gate room before the three of them have reached the bottom of the ramp.

"SG-1!" Relief makes it impossible for him not to smile, so he tries to at least make it as teasing as possible. "You never call, you never write. You never send me flowers any more. There's another General, isn't there?"

Carter's smile is tired but genuine. "Sorry to worry you, sir, but we were unavoidably detained."

"So it would seem," Jack replies, looking them over. Daniel and Carter have exchanged their BDUs for homespun shirts and what looks like second-hand armor (leather and uneven chain mail in Daniel's case, leather and more leather in Carter's). Teal'c is the only one who seems to have hung onto most of his original wardrobe, though his t-shirt and pants have both seen much better days. All three of them are barefoot and, judging by the bruises and the make-shift bandages on various limbs, they could all use a trip to the infirmary. A shower probably wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

Daniel, who has lost his glasses, says "Apparently P3A-669 is one of about a dozen planets that are controlled by a sort of inter-planetary despot name Hakoor." He starts fidgeting at the shoulder of his chain mail shirt, trying to unfasten it, and continues, "Turns out Hakoor's hobby is having people snatched from various planets and made to fight in his arena games."

"We were ambushed and hustled through the Stargate about half an hour after our first check-in," adds Carter. "We figured you probably wouldn't have much luck figuring out where we'd gone."

"Well you certainly didn't make it easy," Jack grouses. He's not thrilled by Daniel's mention of arena games, but they're all standing, Carter's smiling, Teal'c looks serene as usual, and Daniel only seems moderately annoyed, so he figures the ordeal can't have been too traumatizing. "We figured from the tracks that you'd been taken through the Gate, but Bill Lee's been working on the DHD for almost a week trying to find out where, exactly, you went."

"Then it is fortuitous that Colonel Carter was able to procure our freedom herself," observes Teal'c.

Jack raises both eyebrows at Teal'c, who simply returns his gaze seriously, so he turns to Carter, who is now trying to help Daniel extricate himself from the chain mail shirt, which does not appear to be cooperating.



"What's this about you procuring everybody's freedom?"

"It was nothing, sir."

Daniel stops even trying to help Carter unfasten his armor and elaborates. "Sam won a series of seven unarmed-combat engagements and Hakoor was so impressed with her that he had her brought up to his private box seat so he could meet her. She managed to get a home-made knife past Hakoor's guards and took him hostage."

"Really?" Jack knows his eyebrows are threatening to invade his hairline, but he can't decide if it's because he's alarmed or impressed. "Seven fist-fights, huh?"

"Colonel Carter's singular technique proved most effective against her opponents." Teal'c's smile is barely visible, but it conveys a wealth of affection and pride.

"'Singular technique,' Carter?"

She doesn't look up from the recalcitrant chain mail. "Biting and throwing sand, sir."


"Anyway, Sam got us released and we managed to convince Hakoor that we'd let him go unharmed if he ordered his guards not to follow us." Daniel shrugs, causing Carter to make a small sound of annoyance and poke him to hold still. "We left him tied to a tree not far from the Gate."

"Ah." After a pause, Jack can't help asking "So Carter! Seven wins, huh?"

"Nine altogether, sir; I fought two armed matches our third day."

"I only fought in one big group match with a bunch of other slaves." Daniel says distractedly, watching Carter's progress. "I'm not sure if I--if we--won or not, because I was a little confused about which side I was on."

"That so?" Jack replies, bewildered. "And T, how many wins did you rack up, buddy?"

"I, myself, fought only a single match, O'Neill," says Teal'c. "I was armed with a spear and sent into the arena to battle a creature not unlike the Rancor."

"What, that big monster thing in Star Wars with the little eyes and--?" Jack bares his fingers in imitation of claws.

"Indeed. Lacking a remotely-activated gate with which to incapacitate my opponent, I was forced to devise my own solution."

"He fed one of the guards to it, and after that it wasn't hungry enough to make eating Teal'c worth the trouble," Daniel supplies.

Jack says "Ah," again, because he can't really think of anything else to add to conversation at this point. He claps his hands finally, and says "Well! Sounds like you three have had an exciting few days. Why don't you go check yourselves into the infirmary and I'll go tell Bill Lee he can stop failing to get anything useful out of that DHD. We'll debrief further after you've had a chance to get stitched up and showered."

Carter's eyes light up at the mention of showers and she says "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Teal'c inclines his head. Daniel is too engaged in telling Carter that he thinks she almost had it there, no, pull it the other way again, and does not reply. The three of them walk past Jack out of the Gate room, Carter still fussing one-handed with Daniel's armor.

Jack calls after them "Maybe you should have Siler cut Daniel out of that before you hit the infirmary." Daniel waves a hand over his head to show that they've heard him, and they disappear around the corner. Jack jogs back up to the control room, where Walter is already dialing P3A-669.

The wormhole establishes, and after the cascade has subsided, Jack keys the radio on and calls "Doctor Lee, this is the SGC. You're off the hook, SG-1 is back safe and sound."

Bill Lee's voice comes stuttering back in reply. "They're back? Well that's--that's great news, uh, General, especially since we still haven't been able to organize the information on the DHD's crystals into any kind of order--"

"Thank you, Doctor." Jack cuts across the oncoming deluge of unneeded information. "Pack your things and come on home."

He nods and Walter deactivates the wormhole, then turns to say "SG-1 are alright then, sir?"

"Oh yeah," Jack confirms. "A little kidnapping and being sold into forced gladiatorial combat. Nothing they couldn't handle. Carter got to bite people and threaten someone with a prison shiv. Sounds like they had a good time, all around."

He gives a little sigh, which must sound more wistful than it's supposed to, because Walter smiles and says "Missing offworld travel, sir?"

Jack fixes him with a very serious stare and says "I don't know what you're talking about, Walter."

"Of course not, sir. It's good to have SG-1 home again, sir."

"That it is," Jack agrees, and heads toward the stairs to his office, smiling.
Tags: my fanfic, stargate
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