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Fic: Girls (and Jaffa) Do Not Fight Fair

I won't be around tomorrow, so I'm posting this a bit early for sg_fignewton's Gen Fic Day.

Title: Girls (and Jaffa) Do Not Fight Fair
Author: kalquessa
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Teamy Goodness
Word Count: 1,200-ish
Characters: Team, Jack POV
Season/Spoilers: Season 8, no specific spoilers beyond Jack's rank.
Rating: G
Warnings: Present tense. Un-beta'd. Contains silliness and gets progressively crackier as it goes along.

I tried to write an angsty ficlet that was VRY SRS KTHNX about the team being forced to fight for their lives in some bad guy's gladiatorial games. This is what I ended up writing instead.


--------------------------------

GIRLS (AND JAFFA) DO NOT FIGHT FAIR

SG-1 is overdue by nine days when they dial in from the Alpha Site to report themselves alive and ready to Gate home. Jack has the iris confirmation sent and is down in the Gate room before the three of them have reached the bottom of the ramp.

"SG-1!" Relief makes it impossible for him not to smile, so he tries to at least make it as teasing as possible. "You never call, you never write. You never send me flowers any more. There's another General, isn't there?"

Carter's smile is tired but genuine. "Sorry to worry you, sir, but we were unavoidably detained."

"So it would seem," Jack replies, looking them over. Daniel and Carter have exchanged their BDUs for homespun shirts and what looks like second-hand armor (leather and uneven chain mail in Daniel's case, leather and more leather in Carter's). Teal'c is the only one who seems to have hung onto most of his original wardrobe, though his t-shirt and pants have both seen much better days. All three of them are barefoot and, judging by the bruises and the make-shift bandages on various limbs, they could all use a trip to the infirmary. A shower probably wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

Daniel, who has lost his glasses, says "Apparently P3A-669 is one of about a dozen planets that are controlled by a sort of inter-planetary despot name Hakoor." He starts fidgeting at the shoulder of his chain mail shirt, trying to unfasten it, and continues, "Turns out Hakoor's hobby is having people snatched from various planets and made to fight in his arena games."

"We were ambushed and hustled through the Stargate about half an hour after our first check-in," adds Carter. "We figured you probably wouldn't have much luck figuring out where we'd gone."

"Well you certainly didn't make it easy," Jack grouses. He's not thrilled by Daniel's mention of arena games, but they're all standing, Carter's smiling, Teal'c looks serene as usual, and Daniel only seems moderately annoyed, so he figures the ordeal can't have been too traumatizing. "We figured from the tracks that you'd been taken through the Gate, but Bill Lee's been working on the DHD for almost a week trying to find out where, exactly, you went."

"Then it is fortuitous that Colonel Carter was able to procure our freedom herself," observes Teal'c.

Jack raises both eyebrows at Teal'c, who simply returns his gaze seriously, so he turns to Carter, who is now trying to help Daniel extricate himself from the chain mail shirt, which does not appear to be cooperating.

"Carter?"

"Sir?"

"What's this about you procuring everybody's freedom?"

"It was nothing, sir."

Daniel stops even trying to help Carter unfasten his armor and elaborates. "Sam won a series of seven unarmed-combat engagements and Hakoor was so impressed with her that he had her brought up to his private box seat so he could meet her. She managed to get a home-made knife past Hakoor's guards and took him hostage."

"Really?" Jack knows his eyebrows are threatening to invade his hairline, but he can't decide if it's because he's alarmed or impressed. "Seven fist-fights, huh?"

"Colonel Carter's singular technique proved most effective against her opponents." Teal'c's smile is barely visible, but it conveys a wealth of affection and pride.

"'Singular technique,' Carter?"

She doesn't look up from the recalcitrant chain mail. "Biting and throwing sand, sir."

"Ah."

"Anyway, Sam got us released and we managed to convince Hakoor that we'd let him go unharmed if he ordered his guards not to follow us." Daniel shrugs, causing Carter to make a small sound of annoyance and poke him to hold still. "We left him tied to a tree not far from the Gate."

"Ah." After a pause, Jack can't help asking "So Carter! Seven wins, huh?"

"Nine altogether, sir; I fought two armed matches our third day."

"I only fought in one big group match with a bunch of other slaves." Daniel says distractedly, watching Carter's progress. "I'm not sure if I--if we--won or not, because I was a little confused about which side I was on."

"That so?" Jack replies, bewildered. "And T, how many wins did you rack up, buddy?"

"I, myself, fought only a single match, O'Neill," says Teal'c. "I was armed with a spear and sent into the arena to battle a creature not unlike the Rancor."

"What, that big monster thing in Star Wars with the little eyes and--?" Jack bares his fingers in imitation of claws.

"Indeed. Lacking a remotely-activated gate with which to incapacitate my opponent, I was forced to devise my own solution."

"He fed one of the guards to it, and after that it wasn't hungry enough to make eating Teal'c worth the trouble," Daniel supplies.

Jack says "Ah," again, because he can't really think of anything else to add to conversation at this point. He claps his hands finally, and says "Well! Sounds like you three have had an exciting few days. Why don't you go check yourselves into the infirmary and I'll go tell Bill Lee he can stop failing to get anything useful out of that DHD. We'll debrief further after you've had a chance to get stitched up and showered."

Carter's eyes light up at the mention of showers and she says "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Teal'c inclines his head. Daniel is too engaged in telling Carter that he thinks she almost had it there, no, pull it the other way again, and does not reply. The three of them walk past Jack out of the Gate room, Carter still fussing one-handed with Daniel's armor.

Jack calls after them "Maybe you should have Siler cut Daniel out of that before you hit the infirmary." Daniel waves a hand over his head to show that they've heard him, and they disappear around the corner. Jack jogs back up to the control room, where Walter is already dialing P3A-669.

The wormhole establishes, and after the cascade has subsided, Jack keys the radio on and calls "Doctor Lee, this is the SGC. You're off the hook, SG-1 is back safe and sound."

Bill Lee's voice comes stuttering back in reply. "They're back? Well that's--that's great news, uh, General, especially since we still haven't been able to organize the information on the DHD's crystals into any kind of order--"

"Thank you, Doctor." Jack cuts across the oncoming deluge of unneeded information. "Pack your things and come on home."

He nods and Walter deactivates the wormhole, then turns to say "SG-1 are alright then, sir?"

"Oh yeah," Jack confirms. "A little kidnapping and being sold into forced gladiatorial combat. Nothing they couldn't handle. Carter got to bite people and threaten someone with a prison shiv. Sounds like they had a good time, all around."

He gives a little sigh, which must sound more wistful than it's supposed to, because Walter smiles and says "Missing offworld travel, sir?"

Jack fixes him with a very serious stare and says "I don't know what you're talking about, Walter."

"Of course not, sir. It's good to have SG-1 home again, sir."

"That it is," Jack agrees, and heads toward the stairs to his office, smiling.

Comments

( 65 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
*grins* Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed!
scionofgrace
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:02 am (UTC)
"You never call, you never write. You never send me flowers any more. There's another General, isn't there?"

::loves Jack::

Thanks very much! It was fun!
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
Jack is love. Glad you liked it!
(no subject) - cesy - Jun. 26th, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
sg_fignewton
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:26 am (UTC)
"'Singular fighting style,' Carter?"

She doesn't look up from the recalcitrant chain mail. "Biting and throwing sand, sir."


HA HA HA!!! That's right, Sam, go for the hand! It never fails. :)

"Indeed. Lacking a remotely-activated gate with which to incapacitate my opponent, I was forced to devise my own solution."

"He fed one of the guards to it, and after that it wasn't hungry enough to make eating Teal'c worth the trouble," Daniel supplies.


::wipes tears from eyes::

He gives a little sigh, which must sound more wistful than it's supposed to, because Walter smiles and says "Missing offworld travel, sir?"

Jack fixes him with a very serious stare and says "I don't know what you're talking about, Walter."


And Walter for the win! Woo hoo!

Kalquessa, you are cordially invited to write this kind of crack EVERY DAY.

kalquessa
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:29 am (UTC)
*laughs* No problem! I'll just sit down every morning, and attempt to write angst-filled darkfic and the result should be a steady stream of cracified silliness. *grins*

(So glad you enjoyed! Long live Gen Fic Day!)
green_grrl
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:44 am (UTC)
Made of adorable! You have your Jack and Teal'c voices particularly perfect. ♥
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:06 am (UTC)
Thank you! I love writing Jack. Teal'c occasionally gives me trouble, but I feel like I'm getting better at him.
kerravonsen
Jan. 13th, 2008 07:59 am (UTC)
(grin)
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:06 am (UTC)
:D
feliciakw
Jan. 13th, 2008 01:05 pm (UTC)
This? Was delightful. You've got Jack's voice spot-on. Heck, you've got the whole team--and Walter--down really well.

This is just delightful.

(Btw, N3 disc will go in the mail tomorrow.)
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 02:18 am (UTC)
Whee! Thank you! And glad you enjoyed the fic, I enjoyed writing it (once I stopped fighting it and trying to make it serious).
splash_the_cat
Jan. 13th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
Ha! Most excellent.
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
Thanks! Glad it made you laugh!
shutthef_up
Jan. 13th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, excellent! I adore it!

Fabulous voices for everyone and *so* SG-1.

Yay!

Thanks
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed, and thank you!
supplyship
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:05 pm (UTC)
OMG, HAHAHAHA! Carter got to bite people and threaten someone with a prison shiv. *dies*

Excellent story, my friend!
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:08 am (UTC)
I liked that line. Carter gets all the fun. Thanks, Shippy!
aelfgyfu_mead
Jan. 13th, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
You think this is crack?? But it all sounds so right for our favorite team, Jack included! Others have quoted most of my favorite lines already.

I was kind of confused about which side I was on

I love Daniel, and then Sam and Daniel, trying to get the chainmail off (and even a shout-out to Siler!).
kalquessa
Jan. 13th, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)
Heh, well, I thought that the team's rather off-hand, ho-hum attitude about having been kidnapped and forced to fight for their lives in arena combat was a bit of a stretch...but then, that's kind of how they treat a lot of traumatic things that happen to them, isn't it? Heh.

So glad you enjoyed! That line of Daniel's kind of cracked me up when it came to me. *squishes Daniel*
jaxomsride
Jan. 13th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Well you sort of managed the angst - poor O'Neill missing the action and instead has to wait for the team to return.

I like their version of the story, I'm glad they persuaded you to write it for them.
I'm still having to "Gibb" my brain when it sees "Siler" - No, no NOT Heroes, SG1!
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:09 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm glad I finally gave in and wrote it like they wanted it. *grin* Glad you enjoyed, as well!
(Deleted comment)
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
They really are so squishable, aren't they?

(Oh, and icon love!)
aurora_novarum
Jan. 14th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
Oh I'm so glad the characters took the fic out of your hands and made you do something different with it. This was awesome.

I love the after the fact debrief, complete with a different kind of wardrobe malfunction and how Sam got all the action. And Teal'c played with a rancor and Daniel got confused on what side he was on and I'm just grinning from ear to ear about this story.

(But I was worried poor Lee would get captured by the bad guy. That part was so much fun).

And ending with Walter totally calling Jack on the nostalgia.

Awesome, awesome, awesome story, kalquessa.
aurora_novarum
Jan. 14th, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
P.S. OT, are you aware masterpiece theater is doing all of Jane Austen's novels (well, they're "stealing" a couple of other renditions, but four are original). Whee!
(no subject) - kalquessa - Jan. 14th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kalquessa - Jan. 14th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
beanpot
Jan. 14th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC)
Oh that is hysterical. And you know Teal'c is humming both the themes from Star Wars and Gladiator the whole time and spouting quotes to the point Daniel wants to kill him

So, so awesome.
kalquessa
Jan. 14th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Hee hee, I love Teal'c so much.

Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed!
katie_m
Jan. 14th, 2008 11:10 pm (UTC)
"Oh yeah," Jack confirms. "A little kidnapping and being sold into forced gladiatorial combat. Nothing they couldn't handle. Carter got to bite people and threaten someone with a prison shiv. Sounds like they had a good time, all around."

Hee hee hee. Oh, my darlings.
kalquessa
Jan. 15th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
They are adorable, aren't they? *grin*
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